


thats what tipped us off to his extreme gayness not when he told us he had a boyfriend but when he expressed himself through the immortal choreography of queen bey

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:01:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24201757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Rose and Kanaya saw something interesting.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 34
Kudos: 259





	thats what tipped us off to his extreme gayness not when he told us he had a boyfriend but when he expressed himself through the immortal choreography of queen bey

tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  


TT: Dave.  
TG: hey whats up  
TT: Kanaya and I are in the kitchen eating breakfast.  
TG: cool  
TG: im happy for you thats a big step most important meal of the day  
TG: cherish that shit rose dont skimp on the kelloggs  
TT: Thank you, Dave.  
TT: And don't worry, we aren’t skimping.  
TT: I can assure you we’re getting all up in the Kellogg’s.  
TG: ahahaha  
TT: But more importantly, we’ve just witnessed something.  
TT: Something _very_ interesting.  
TG: cool what is it  
TT: You don’t know?  
TG: uh  
TG: no  
TT: I find that very hard to believe.  
TG: well shit ok  
TG: i guess i can do a little deductive reasoning i can sherlock this shit  
TG: karkat was headed to the kitchen to get us coffee  
TG: and seein as how youve casually slipped into your coy as fuck wink wink dave nudge nudge persona  
TG: im just gonna go way out on a limb and guess it has somethin to do with that  
TT: You’ve chosen your limb wisely.  
TG: cool so lets hear it how am i gonna cut said limb out from under my own ass today  
TG: whats the saw du jour  
TG: normally i go for just a regular ol hacksaw  
TG: im a simple man rose you know me  
TG: but i was thinking bout branching out  
TG: (ayy sweet tree pun the crowd goes wild)  
TG: gettin one of those cool double edged east alternian saws ive been readin about  
TG: really get some fine woodworking in before i plummet to my untimely demise maybe whittle a little wooden duck  
TT: Where have you been reading about woodworking?  
TG: karkats got a book called the carpenterminators clandestine encounters  
TG: im workin my way through it im just brimming with unexpected woodworking knowledge rose  
TG: i can name any saw  
TG: you want a coobeast tail joint im your man  
TG: just dont be alarmed if i start talkin bout how the sawdust reflects in the purple pools of your eyes or some colossal horseshit its nothing personal  
TG: its just how i was taught its the only way i know  
TT: I see.  
TT: I think I’m more or less set on the woodworking front, Dave.  
TG: cool thats a relief honestly i dont think im gaining a whole lot of practical skills  
TG: those fucking characters always wind up boning halfway through  
TG: theyre hella unfocused they have yet to finish so much as a towel rack  
TT: Right.  
TT: I’m sorry, Dave. As much as I’m enjoying this foray into the intricacies of Alternian woodworking.  
TT: (And would like to borrow that book as soon as you’re done with it)  
TG: sure no problem i prolly got another day or two left tops  
TT: Great. Thank you.  
TT: As much fun as this is, Kanaya is less invested in our “hatchmate verbal walkabouts,” and far more antsy to get to the subject we meant to discuss with you from the beginning.  
TG: right you saw karkat in the kitchen  
TG: lemme stop you right there i got this  
TG: you saw him all sleep rumpled  
TG: hair somehow sticking out at like fifteen more weird angles than usual  
TG: and lo and behold he got not one but two coffee cups  
TG: whoever could that be for you wondered over your cornflakes  
TG: it could totally be the mayor maybe the two of em pulled another famous all nighter in can town  
TG: but no the mayor cant handle caffeine  
TG: nobodys gonna forget that fateful day the poor little dude had a half cup of earl grey and fuckin bounced from block to block jumpin on everybodys bed like an even more pint sized macaulay culkin discovering the benefits of being home alone  
TT: Dave.  
TG: what  
TT: For the sake of expediency, I’m going to cut you off there.  
TG: why  
TT: Because, Dave.  
TT: Everyone knows you and Karkat sleep in the same bed.  
TG: oh  
TG: ...  
TG: really  
TT: Yes, really!  
TT: My god!  
TT: It’s the most poorly kept secret in Paradox Space!  
TT: A place that, need I remind you, is populated exclusively with teenagers bouncing haphazardly and awkwardly from one hamfisted flirting session to the next.  
TG: huh  
TG: ok then  
TG: so i take it thats not the hot goss of the week then you got some bigger revelation for me  
TT: Oh dear. Now Kanaya is quite literally vibrating next to me, Dave.  
TT: And you know that I don’t abuse that adverb as flagrantly as some among us.  
TG: what the fuck this isnt on me rose  
TG: you could have said whatever you wanna say literally any old time  
TG: im also using “literally” literally ftr youre not the only one can whip that out  
TT: Wow.  
TG: yeah thats right so quit tryna guilt me and just say whatever you saw cuz i sure as hell cant  
TG: i didnt see shit  
TG: im the only person who actually wasnt in the kitchen just now  
TG: im the least qualified of anybody to say what went down  
TT: Dave  
TT: Karkat Was Wearing Your Clothes  
TG: oh  
TG: ahahahhaa  
TG: holy shit he totally was wasnt he  
TT: ...  
TG: wow i didnt even think about that  
TG: i mean i guess he didnt either haha whooops  
TG: did he say anything to you about it  
TT: No  
TT: In Fact He Seemed Not To Notice At All  
TT: Despite Some Shall We Say  
TT: Pointed Looks I Directed At Him  
TG: what the fuck kanaya why are you sending pointed looks his way  
TG: youre just gonna embarrass him  
TG: i dont know if you know this but karkats actually hella sensitive hes like a delicate little flower you gotta treat him with respect  
TT: With Respect  
TT: Dave  
TT: Ahh  
TT: Dave This Is Too Much  
TT: I Cant  
TG: shit kanaya you ok  
TG: you wanna put rose back on  
TG: maybe she can interpret  
TT: No!  
TT: Rose Is Only Going To Milk This For As Long As Possible In An Attempt To Make You Uncomfortable In Five Ways You Can Understand And Ten More You Cant  
TG: damn  
TT: But I Am Going To Cut To The Chase Dave  
TT: Because Karkat Is A Dear Friend Of Mine  
TT: Whom I Have Known Far Longer Than You  
TT: And I Refuse To See Him Hurt  
TG: ?  
TT: I Dont Know What Kind Of Connotations This Sort Of Thing Has On Earth Dave  
TT: Particularly When Bound Up In Your Inexplicable “Irony”  
TT: But On Our Planet There Are...  
TT: Implications  
TT: Maybe Not For Everyone  
TT: Im Sure Some Would Eschew The Old Traditions  
TT: Rose And I Have Broken With Convention In More Than A Few Ways Ourselves  
TT: But For Someone Who Takes His Romance As Seriously As Karkat Does  
TT: And Is As Sensitive As You Seem To Be Aware He Is...  
TT: There Are Some Things That Should Not Be Done Without  
TT: A Show Of Commitment  
TG: holy shit kanaya are you seriously tellin me to put a ring on it  
TT: I Am Telling You Not To Hurt My Friend  
TG: oh  
TG: wow  
TG: thats really nice  
TT: I Know It Is  
TG: the thing is tho  
TG: i kinda  
TG: um  
TG: already did  
TT: Oh My God  
TT: What Did You Do Dave  
TG: what no  
TG: not hurt him  
TG: you know...  
TG: the other thing  
TT: What  
TG: uh  
TG: well  
TT: lhhhhhhhhj  
TT: Dave, what the fuck?  
TG: hey  
TT: What exactly are you referring to?  
TG: you know  
TG: the whole  
TG: putting a ring on it  
TG: deal  
TT: Wait.  
TT: _What._  
TG: haha yeah just call me beyonce  
TG: i mean not that i have the whole dance memorized or anything  
TT: ?????  
TG: haha shit thats what tipped us off to his extreme gayness your honor that was the final straw  
TT: Gaynhasigajkga  
TG: not when he told us he had a boyfriend  
TT: What in the hell.  
TT: _Boyfriend??_  
TG: no im talkin when he expressed himself through the immortal choreography of queen bey  
TT: What is happening?  
TG: yes your honor it was all in the same conversation why do you ask  
TT: Dave!  
TG: yeah  
TT: Would you back the _fuck_ up.  
TG: oh  
TT: Please.  
TG: ok  
TT: I’m sorry.  
TT: But...  
TT: Are you really telling us what I think you’re telling us?  
TG: that depends  
TG: if youre takin the whole ring imagery literally  
TG: then no  
TG: were not getting married or anything jesus rose were 14  
TT: Dave!  
TG: but yeah  
TG: were  
TG: uh  
TG: you know  
TG: “together”  
TT: Oh my god.  
TG: were doin the whole thing  
TT: Oh my god!  
TG: the whole matesprit slash boyfriend whatever  
TT: Kanaya says “Oh My God,” too, by the way.  
TG: haha  
TT: Oh My God  
TG: hey there it is  
TT: When Did This Happen  
TG: six days ago  
TT: Six Days???  
TG: no wait its morning  
TG: so i guess seven  
TG: yeah exactly a week  
TG: oh shit thats prolly why he was bein so nice and goin to get the coffee  
TG: fuck thats exactly the kinda thing hed get into this is weekiversary coffee isnt it it totally is  
TT: Weekiversary Coffee???  
TG: fuck  
TG: ill have to do somethin nice when he gets back  
TG: rose whats the traditional human weekiversary gift whatd all those weird victorians get each other this is exactly the kinda thing youd know this is your time to shine  
TT: Oh my god.  
TT: I don’t know.  
TT: Who cares?  
TG: usually only you  
TT: I’m sorry, Dave.  
TT: Can we please set the Victorians on the back burner for the time being?  
TG: wow this must be serious  
TT: Yes, it is.  
TT: Because I would like to more closely examine the fact that apparently you and Karkat finally stopped dancing around each other _a solid week ago_ , and neither Kanaya nor I knew _a goddamn solitary thing about it._  
TG: oh shit  
TG: rose  
TG: are you like  
TG: upset  
TG: about that  
TG: kanaya too is she upset  
TG: fuck  
TT: Sigh.  
TT: No, Dave. We’re not upset.  
TT: hbbbbbbbb  
TT: I Am A Little Upset  
TG: bahaha  
TT: Okay, Kanaya’s a little upset.  
TT: I suppose I just thought that... you’d tell me.  
TT: And evidently Kanaya thought Karkat would tell her.  
TG: fuck  
TG: sorry  
TT: Dave  
TG: yeah  
TT: Is This Because Of Us In Some Way  
TG: no  
TT: ...  
TG: wait  
TG: i just said no cuz it seemed like the thing to say you came off all serious all of a sudden  
TG: but now im realizing i dont actually have a clue what youre talking about  
TG: is what because of you  
TT: I Suppose My Question Is Twofold  
TG: cool hit me with both  
TT: Okay  
TT: Well  
TT: First Id Like To Know If You Didnt Tell Us Because You Were Worried About How Wed React  
TG: what the fuck why would i be worried about that you two are the paragon of gay ass alien relationships  
TG: if anything you should be suing karkat and me for jackin your style  
TG: please dont sue us btw  
TG: we totally changed it up  
TG: were doin it “dude gay”  
TG: our lawyer says its enough of a difference itll hold up in any court  
TG: so dont even try  
TG: you cant touch us kanaya  
TT: Wow  
TT: Um  
TT: Thats Reassuring I Guess  
TG: good  
TT: Our Second Concern  
TT: Or Maybe Its More My Second Concern  
TT: Oh Wait  
TT: No  
TT: Rose Is Looking Into The Middle Distance And Nodding Noncommittally  
TT: Which For Her Is A Serious Emotional Engagement  
TT: As Im Sure Youre Aware  
TG: haha oh yeah  
TT: Yes So Apparently This Is *Our* Second Concern After All  
TG: oh my god what  
TT: Dave Are You Doing This Because We Goaded You Into It  
TG: into what  
TG: dating karkat  
TT: ...Yes?  
TG: holy shit  
TG: no  
TT: Are You Sure  
TG: yeah im pretty fuckin sure  
TT: Its Just We Have Been Rather  
TT: Um  
TT: Forceful With Some Of Our Insinuations  
TT: I Seem To Remember Myself Being Exceedingly Forceful In A Conversation You And I Had A While Back  
TG: haha oh you mean get your shit together dave gate  
TT: Gate  
TT: What Gate  
TG: haha never mind  
TG: and naw its cool i totally forgot about that  
TG: dont even worry about it  
TT: Youre Positive  
TG: yeah so positive  
TG: shit  
TG: its fine  
TG: i promise you guys didnt force us together like a couple of ken dolls at the hands of a curious and open minded little kid ok  
TG: this was just us  
TG: we decided this together  
TG: so like  
TG: dont even trip  
TG: please  
TT: Okay  
TT: We Will Both Do Our Best Not To Trip  
TG: lmao sounds good  
TG: and look im sorry we didnt tell you  
TG: weve just kinda been keepin it close  
TG: playin it by ear  
TG: and like i said before karkat is actually hella sensitive about stuff like this  
TG: for all the carryin on he does hes actually super tight lipped about his own affairs  
TG: so weve kinda just been enjoyin some time out of the proverbial spotlight you know  
TG: guess he just completely blew up his own spot tho marchin straight into the meal block wearin my shirt  
TG: oh my god  
TG: wait  
TG: maybe he DID know  
TG: is this the real weekiversary gift  
TG: gettin fuckin hounded by the relationship paparazzi  
TG: that crafty son of a bitch  
TT: For What Its Worth Im Not Convinced It Was Premeditated  
TT: We Spoke With Him Briefly But His Mind Seemed  
TT: Otherwise Occupied  
TT: He Seemed  
TT: Dare I Say It  
TT: Happy  
TG: awww  
TT: Awww Indeed  
TG: and now hes marchin his lil self all the way back from the meal block  
TG: totally unawares  
TG: wonder if hes gonna bump into anybody else  
TT: Wait.  
TG: what  
TT: Oh my god.  
TG: ???  
TT: Does anyone else know about this?  
TT: Are we the first?  
TG: im pretty fucking sure karkat knows  
TG: if hes outta the loop we got serious problems  
TT: Very funny. You know what I mean.  
TT: Terezi or Vriska or the Mayor or any of the ghosts: Do they know?  
TG: no dont think so  
TG: see we didnt even tell the mayor rose theres no reason for you guys to get all bent outta shape  
TT: That _is_ reassuring.  
TT: And _very_ interesting.  
TG: why  
TT: This is perfect.  
TT: I can work with this.  
TG: what the fuck are you talking about  
TT: Dave.  
TT: Do you think you can hold out for another eleven days?  
TG: what the fuck  
TG: hold out for what  
TT: For telling anyone else.  
TG: why  
TT: Because eleven days from now is my selection in the Davekat Pool.  
TG: oh what the fuck theres a pool  
TT: Yes, of course.  
TT: Dave. There’s a pool for everything.  
TT: I remember _vividly_ the time you won the pool on how many hours it would take that puddle of spilled grub sauce to reach the edge of the counter.  
TT: You were _insufferable._  
TG: hey i earned that that was my moment in the sun i got it down to the fuckin MINUTE  
TT: You know there are _still_ rumblings that you used time travel and cheated.  
TG: i dont time travel  
TT: Yes, I know. I didn’t say _I_ was rumbling.  
TT: I simply said there _were_ rumblings.  
TG: yeah whatever who cares  
TG: more importantly what the fuck  
TG: theres some secret pool goin on about karkat and me  
TT: Yes.  
TT: It’s very active.  
TG: god dammit and you called it “davekat” thats so stupid  
TT: What’s wrong with that?  
TT: That is very clearly your couple name.  
TG: bluh  
TT: Do you have a better idea?  
TG: yeah how bout stride-as  
TT: That’s terrible.  
TG: its pronounced stride ass  
TT: You can’t even tell that’s his last name.  
TT: That could have you paired off with anyone.  
TG: pssh  
TT: I’m sorry, but you have no say in this.  
TT: It’s called The Davekat Pool, it’s the most popular by far, and if you keep hiding out in your room for a mere eleven more days, I’m going to win the whole thing.  
TG: what happens if we say the real day who wins then  
TT: Um...  
TT: Some dead version of Tavros.  
TT: Who even cares.  
TG: wow harsh whatd dead tavros ever do to you  
TT: Don’t you want to keep this in the family, Dave?  
TG: eh  
TT: You could consider it reparations for withholding key information from your dear sister.  
TG: oh my god  
TT: Your own flesh and blood.  
TG: jfc  
TG: whats the prize even  
TT: Being immortalized by the Mayor in the Town Hall mural.  
TG: oh what the fuck like a portrait  
TT: Exactly like a portrait.  
TG: thats amazing that prize is the shit  
TG: my prize blew ass i just got a fuckin bottle of grub sauce that sucks that shits all over the place its drippin off the counters its worse than free  
TT: Yes, well.  
TT: The stakes in this pool are considerably higher.  
TG: uh huh  
TG: look ill think about it ok  
TG: first i gotta actually ask karkat what he thinks  
TG: poor guy doesnt know about any of this i gotta break it to him  
TG: then i donno  
TG: i guess ill consider playin along with your sick game  
TG: deprivin that poor tavros the one good thing thats happened to him since he died and lets be honest maybe way before that too  
TT: That’s all I ask.  
TG: haha god damn  
TT: Anyway, all devious machinations aside...  
TG: uh huh  
TG: ...  
TG: what  
TG: you there  
TG: ??  
TG: oh shit karkats back  
TG: i gotta go break this to him  
TG: seeya  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]  


TT: I’m happy for you, Dave.  


tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  



End file.
